I'm sitting in a beachside cafe in Jax Beach and trying not to think about it. "It" being the interview yesterday. It went really well and I was told I'd hear something by this afternoon. A "yes" or a "no." I try to remember that if it's a "no" it's just His protection from something in order to save me for another opportunity. Or perhaps He wants me to wait more.
The waiting is almost unbearable.
Trying to see the forest through the trees is difficult. I just see trees. Massive, large, trees.
The other day I was babysitting my niece who is now a very active almost-9-month-old. She crawls EVERYWHERE and wants to put EVERYTHING in her mouth. On this particular day, she was headed for a cord next to her baby swing. She's a fast little thing and the minute I turned my back, she was headed for it once more.
"No, no." I told her in a gentle voice. I don't think she knows what "no" means but I say it to her anyway. She'll be two before I know it and she'll be telling me "no" soon enough.
Lauren looked at me, then back at the cord. I watched her crawl towards it again, a smile spreading on her face as she reached out for it.
"No, Lauren." I moved her away from the swing and tried to distract her with another toy. She grabbed at the toy, then threw it on the ground, turning again once more to the cord.
Interesting what babies find fascinating. It's a cord for crying out loud. The thousands of toys she has that make music and talk are much more worthy of her attention.
But no, she wanted the cord.
This time, I gently pulled her away and stood up, deciding it best to go into another room. She got frustrated really fast and let out a wail of dissatisfaction.
"Sorry, kiddo. That would hurt you if you put it in your mouth." I kissed her chubby cheek and tried to get her to smile at me. She does and by the time we're in the living room, she's moved on to Sophie the Giraffe, one of her favorites.
I stopped to think about that for a minute. So many times I've been heading for something that ultimately could hurt me in the end. The jobs I've applied for have all had potential but when I get a response (or not as most of them have not let me know either way) I immediately resort to thinking I'm a loser and am not good enough.
I don't think about the fact that there could be something I'm being preserved from. God has me in a holding pattern for a reason.
I'm thinking of the analogy of Lauren and the cord. "No, don't go towards the cord. I promise there's something better."
So I'm waiting. Still waiting. Unsure of what is going on, uncertain of where I'll end up, everyday anticipating something will come. Like today. A "yes" or a "no."
Please, Jesus, let me hear a "yes" soon.