Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Christmas Eve Eve 2015

A year ago today I landed in America. A year ago today I had an excitement of something I thought was going to be my forever. I look back on that day and I used to think it was perfect. But it wasn't. There was so much uncertainty. So much forced. Nothing was real. As much as I wanted it to be real, it wasn't.

These last ten months have been the hardest I've had to endure. There are days when I wake up and forget who it was that I was in a relationship with for eleven months. Other days I wake up and my heart is so heavy and hurt that I can't help but think about it.

Last week, I was out to dinner with Taylor, Nicole, and Sammy. We were eating at Burrito Gallery, one of my favorite places here, and in the middle of a conversation. All of the sudden a song came on that was on a playlist my ex made for me when we first got together. I hadn't cried about him in a while and then out of nowhere, the tears began to flow. My friends were great in reminding me of what I'd come through and how strong I'd been and that it was OK to cry. I think that's been my biggest issue - it's OK to cry because what I went through was painful and it hurt and crying is a good thing.

You may read this and think, "Geez, you're still not over that guy?" Let me assure you - I am over him. I'm not over what he represented in my life. For eleven months I thought he was IT. I was made to believe we were on the same page until shortly before the end.

Breakups are painful. Change is painful. Transition is painful. And I went through all of those things. Being allowed to mourn shouldn't have a timeline stamped on it. It takes as long as it will take.

Today as I sit on my couch and reflect on the last year, I am so thankful for the friends I've made here in Jacksonville. They have encouraged me, believed in me, prayed for me, laughed with me, and allowed me to cry and be myself.

Happy Christmas Eve Eve