Tonight I came to Barnes and Noble to have some 'me' time. It's kind of something I've done off and on for the last month.
I went to a spin class tonight and it kicked my butt and I loved every single minute. It helped that the instructor played "It's Gonna Be Me" by Nsync. According to my Polar Fit watch, I burned 679 calories. I also burned off a lot of stress and some emotionalism (is that a word?) that's been plaguing me for the last week or so.
I realized last night just how much I miss my Kandern community. John and I were talking and he said, "Tell me about BFA. What do you miss?" The tears flowed freely (so freely in fact, that through my tears I told him, "Now you've opened the flood gates!") and I opened up and told him that I missed going over to the Martins after school. I missed sitting in Kristy's kitchen and just talking to the girls and hearing them shush Drew as he played his Wii. I missed the atmosphere of Audrey's tutoring sessions and how she would always stop what she was doing and ask me how I was doing. I missed Abby's excitement over getting a role in a play and Anna's sweet smile while she talked to me over a cup of Senseo flavored coffee. I missed Drew's inquisitive "What are you talking about?" "Wait, what happened?" and the inevitable "Nothing, Drew." I missed taking down the Tree of Trust and just venting and laughing and just being in a home that felt like partly my own.
Then I told him about the Stemples and how Jen and I would meet for lunch. How Ellie always smiled when she saw me. How the last time I was with them we did nothing but sit on the couch and watched a Christmas movie and ate döner kebabs. How Jen would meet with me every Friday and hug me and encourage me and assure me that life was just like this. I was normal and all of what I was experiencing was normal. I told him that I felt like a part of their family and going over to their house was like going over to my own.
I told him I hadn't always been such a planner and that many nights I'd sit on my bed and be messaging with a fellow BFA co-worker and in a few minutes she'd be over at my house sitting on my floor and laughing with me.
I sound like a broken record (or a skipping CD? What do we compare that to now?) but the hardest part of being back here is that I've lost that instant community. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like it's all over and I've completely acclimated. And then I get out on the 408 and realize I have no idea where the heck I am.
I think last night had been the first time I'd really opened up and I think that it really hit me that I wouldn't be back at the Martins or the Stemples. Or that randomly messaging a friend and asking her to come over in five minutes was really a thing of the past.
It comes and goes and as much as I want all of this to be over and as much as I just want to feel "normal", in a sense I know it's just beginning.
Today my encouragement comes from the first few verses in Ephesians 2:
Thanks be to God....even in the sanctifying process of transition.