I'm sure many of you read the title and thought "Duh. Of course it's not."
I know it's not. For goodness sake I've only been back a month and 9 days.
I guess it feels longer. Sometimes I think that last semester was a year ago already. Other times, it feels like I was just there. I guess, in essence, I was.
Last week was rough. As you read in my last blog, I was struggling with loneliness. I still am. I'm yearning for community and a "real" job.
Over the weekend, I realized I was closer to community than I thought. On Saturday, a new friend from my small group and I went to dinner and to see a One Act play put on by the high school where she is a teacher. Watching it made me yearn to do what I love to do - direct - and as spectacular as the actor's were, all I could think about was how I would've cast it using my BFA kiddos. Nonetheless, it was nice to go out with a new friend.
On Sunday at church, I walked in and instead of feeling like I knew no one, I was immediately able to start up conversations with three people that I've started to get to know. I sat down next to John before the service and said, "I know people here!" I know I sound like a kid but I kind of felt like it. The new girl in school is starting to make friends.
There are still sides of transition that aren't fun and sides that I wish wouldn't rear their ugly head. The fear of not having money seems to always creep its way inside my head and those fears come out in snippy remarks and with an attitude that I'd more or less like to repress. Or it comes out in my oversensitivity. If you know me well at all, you know this is something I've always struggled with. In the Spirit, my overly sensitive nature can be a beautiful thing. In my flesh, it's ugly plain and simple. Mix all of that with transitioning to a new place and being in the center of confusion 90% of the time and it does not make for a fun person to be around.
Wow, if you don't know me I probably haven't given you the best impression just now.
The thing is, I just want to be done with it all. I want to have a normal job again where I have a salary. I want to call up at least three girlfriends and say, "Hey, there's happy hour tonight. Wanna go?" I want to be the caring girlfriend who is always sweet and kind and caring to her boyfriend and doesn't let the insecurity of transition and past relationships bombard her thinking.
I remind myself daily to give myself grace to get through all of this new stuff. I remind myself that God hasn't forgotten about me and even in today's Jesus time I read the scripture in Matthew that says "Fear not, therefore; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Matt 10:31).
My sweet mother made a great point this morning on the phone - "Allow God to meet you in the midst of your transition. He wants to use this time to show you who you are so that you run to Him and not to anything else."
So, that's my prayer. That my Abba would constantly be the One I run to during this time of wanting to forget that transition takes time. That it's not an overnight process. And that all along, He's not abandoned me or forgotten the desires of my heart. The desires to be in community, to have a job, to just be an all around nice person. The desire to just be in His presence and let Him take control from me, living out this season of uncertainty.