Monday, March 3, 2014

300 Kids is Why

This month has been a difficult one. When I found out my financial support had waned, I immediately went into a slight panic. I thought it would get better. When I got my last statement, it had only gotten worse. I resorted to the one thing I know how to do best - rely on myself. Friends and family - well meaning of course - told me I should look into options back in the States. "It would be easier"... "You won't have to be stressed about raising money"... "You'd be near the beach again" (is it wrong that that last statement is the one that I resonated with the most??). And so I caved for a few days. I looked online for job listings. I even printed out a job application "just to see." I began to think how comfortable I'd be if I were closer to my family again, back at my old church in Ft. Lauderdale, not to mention only a few miles from Miami. I got lost in daydreams of how "perfect" life would be. I'd be making money and I'd be "comfortable."

And then we left for High School Retreat on Friday.

The theme over the weekend was Colossians 1 & 2. To summarize it - things will happen, we're going to mess up, but God is bigger and he loves us more than we'll ever realize. It was a weekend of being with the small group that I co-lead with Elizabeth and bonding even more with our girls. Talking deep, big stuff with each other. Exploring a medieval German city. By Saturday night sitting in the session, I knew this was where I was supposed to be. And then later that evening, I sat down with Rachel and told her what I'd been struggling with.

"My family and friends want me home. And it seems easier to get a job back there then go through the valley of raising support again"

Rachel took my hand and said, "God always places you where he wants you. You have gifts that belong at BFA. You're doing exactly what you love. The easy thing is to go home and get a job but you know that God's plan isn't easy." (She might not have said those exact words but it was something to that effect).

That's when it hit me. Of course it's not easy. It's not easy to send out an email where I'm basically telling people, "Hey, I need money" and not feel like the world's most vulnerable person. It's not easy to sit here in Germany, wondering if I'll make it to next month and knowing that I'm incapable of doing anything else. I'm here because God put me here and until I know for a fact that He is calling me to leave, I'm not going anywhere. And if I know that to be true, I know that I'll be OK. No, from the outside it doesn't look like that. But I am relying on someone bigger than me, bigger than others' opinions of what I should do, bigger than my opinions of what I think is best.

Looking around at the 300 kids in the sessions this weekend, I feel at peace. I feel at home. This is where I'm supposed to be and I don't know for how long. I just know that I love my job and I love these kids and God's not finished with me here just yet.

(photo courtesy of James Grout, our speaker this weekend)

The best small group on earth


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