Yesterday, a few of us went into Basel for the day to sit at Starbucks and read and just relax on our day off. I was working on Gospel Transformation and there were several passages that struck me. I don't have the book with me today and of course I can't recall the exact verses, but the one that stuck out to me the most was in Mark 10:36 where Jesus says to James and John, "What do you want me to do for you?" I was telling my friends how much I had failed at this. It's something I know that Jesus asks me everyday, but I ignore the question and continue to do it all on my own. Needless to say, the last few weeks doing this have been, as we say, an "epic fail." I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying. And I'm so over trying to hold onto things that I don't want to hand over to God. I'm trying so hard at doing it all on my own and the end result is that I'm left unsatisfied and not much fun to be around.
Another friend asked me yesterday, "Where are you finding your identity?" It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm certainly not finding it where I should be. I'm trying to find it in others, in myself, in opinions, in situations....wow. I'm so tired of this.
If only I would just listen to the Holy Spirit as he speaks to my heart. If only I would breathe and take in His goodness and His love for me and stop trying so hard. Of course this isn't easy. This is something I have to do every single minute of every single day. It makes me thankful that He loves me like He does. He hasn't given up on me because He knows that I am always going to run to Him with this. I will always take back what I've given over to Him because I want to be in control and so I'm telling Him that He really has no idea what He's doing. I could do it better. But He knows that. He's just waiting for me to run to him again so He can love on me and remind me that I'm not the failure I so claim to be.