It occurred to me as I started to type this that I don’t use it much anymore. Probably because ....I forget about it? Or when I have thoughts I don’t know that they’re worth jotting down? I don’t know. I want to get better at this blogging thing.

Since I last posted (January 2020) everything has changed. We entered some sort of Pandemic that I can only compare to The Hunger Games series. I don’t know what district I’m living in because it seems to change all the time. Then I moved from my apartment to save rent into a house with two friends on the complete opposite side of the city. Then I lost my job and felt as though I’d just been dropped into the world’s darkest pit.

You see, I loved my kids. I loved watching them perform. I loved watching them “get” the character they’d been assigned and add their own creativity to it. My kids going into 6th grade next year had been with me since 2nd grade and I was excited to watch their journey from elementary into middle school. Not only that, I’d made friends with other Thespian directors around the county. Four of us had formed our own little group of sorts and met every so often to talk about life and our kids and theatre.

When the rug is pulled out from beneath you, you don’t know what to do first. Or at least that’s been my experience. It’s not the first time I’ve said goodbye to a job I loved. It happened in 2016 when I left Oakleaf because of a stupid math certification exam that I couldn’t pass to save my life. I’d only been there a year and the kids I taught had become like my little family. I’d been at USchool for 4 years so you can imagine my heartache. It wasn’t bigger, it was just different.

Every morning for the last month, I wake up thinking about my kids. I immediately push those thoughts away because I get sad and I don’t like waking up sad. But I also know I have to be sad and sit in it and mourn. I had so many plans for them next year. I was so excited for those plans. But those plans were never meant to be. And eventually, maybe that will feel normal.

There are friends of mine who knew I didn’t need to hear the cliche “God has a plan” or  “Jeremiah 29:11” quotes. I needed to hear “this sucks” and “I’m sad for you” and didn’t need to say anything other than sit and listen. Of course God has a plan. I know that. And if you’re one of those who said that to me, don’t apologize for it. It’s ok. It’s what we’re taught to say when someone goes through the muck. But just remember next time, you don’t have to say that. Because if anyone understands what it’s like for something to suck, it’s Him.

Now what? Well, I’m looking at jobs in church ministry. Not theatre! What! I mean, ok if a job in theatre opened and it felt right, I’d apply. But I have a degree from a well-renowned seminary and I’m feeling more of a push to head in that direction right now. And my heart is and always has been for youth and kids. To be there for them as a mentor, a big sister, and a mom-type. Theatre will always be a part of me. I’ve been performing for as long as I can remember and been a director since I was 19. That doesn’t just stop. But right now, maybe I need to turn my attention to a new type of director.

But I wait. With anticipation? Sometimes. With worry and fear? Sometimes. With excitement? For sure. I wait.


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